Monday, September 22, 2014

When All You Wanna Do Is Run (Away)

When I put together this outfit one Sunday morning I immediately thought of the title for my next blog post. I thought it to be extremely apt because you wear sneakers when you want to run/jog right? And I wanted to talk to you guys about a certain condition that happened to me which could make any person want to run away. Very far away. 

I woke up one morning and I couldn't hear anymore. 

Read on.

On August 18 (Monday) I woke up feeling weird. My ears felt like I was on the plane, too much pressure and not enough relief. I could also compare the feeling to when you go swimming and water fills your ears. That kind of feeling. It was my right ear that felt affected but I didn't think too much of it because I thought it would be okay the next day. I went to my "masahista" (massage therapist) and it kind of got better. On Wednesday I felt confident that my hearing loss was just a phase because it seemed like everything was back to normal. Until it wasn't. 

On Thursday, August 21, I woke up with almost 90% hearing loss on my left ear. The weird feeling transferred from my right to my left ear. It was so difficult because when someone would talk to me, I had to face them with my right ear. Even if you were just beside me and talking to me with my left ear, I couldn't hear a thing. It was REALLY BAD. 

Of course, just like any hopeful person, I thought it would just go away by itself. I did about my business as if nothing was happening, all the while praying and hoping that when I woke up the next day everything would be okay. It didn't. In fact, it seemed to get worse. I could hear ringing in my ears and a very sharp "eeeeeee" sound. But apart from that, nothing.

It took me a few days before I went to the doctor to have it checked. He let me take a hearing test and the results showed that the left was WAY BELOW NORMAL. The ear itself was perfectly fine but there was probably a nerve damage somewhere. During the hearing test I could hear every sound on my right ear but on the left, maybe only the high-pitched ones which numbered to probably 3-4. He gave me some medicines and vitamins to take. That weekend I had to go to church camp and so I was enclosed in a room with heavy sound system blasting throughout the room. I thought, maybe I will be fine after camp.

On the 26th, I finally went to see another ENT (ear, nose, throat doctor) just to get a 2nd opinion about my current circumstance. The findings were even WORSE.

He told me that the worst case scenario would be of me being deaf forever. *shudder* That what I had was a very RARE case and it could HAPPEN TO ANYONE. You just wake up one day and you can't hear anymore. No cause, no reason. He said it was like a stroke in the ear because a very small nerve was affected. And because it was a small nerve, it was harder to repair and harder to check. Really. Maybe that's why people are afraid to go to the doctor because they could hear devastating news like this. I almost cried in the doctor's office because I was thinking about my future. What would happen to me if I was deaf in one ear forever? I then thought about hearing aids and maybe any other possible way to make my condition a little bit better. And I thought of God. As a Christian, I know better than to ask the question "Why God?" because I know that everything that happens in your life is for a reason. God will not give you something that you cannot handle. He will not leave you nor forsake you. But, still, I wanted to have a heart to heart with Him about what was happening in my life at that very instant. 

But it's funny because later that evening, when I had the time to think things through and get out of the state of shock that I was in, my prayer was not one of regret or anger towards God but acceptance and praise. 

At that moment then and there, I accepted my situation. If God were to make me deaf forever, I would accept it. Although of course my human reaction would be to accept it gradually. I mean, it's still something HUGE after all. It's not something to be taken lightly. Imagine being deaf at 26! I immediately thought about my future. How would I deal with my (future) kids, would they be okay with a mom who could only partially hear? What about my future husband, would he be okay with a wife who was deaf? But in my heart of hearts I still had that hope that He would heal me and bring back my hearing to 100%. But I think it's very important to prepare yourself for any situation because it could go either way. 

Really, this situation made me stronger and brought me even closer to God. The first 2 weeks after that was just pure torture though. I acted normally and didn't let a lot of people know, but I was really having a hard time conversing with people. I had to talk to people one at a time because I couldn't catch anything if there were too many people talking at the same time. Going out with friends was already a hard task because I couldn't catch the conversation from the left side of the table and if we were at a place which was so noisy, I could basically only hear what the people beside and in front of me would say. Plus, sometimes I would just depend on lip reading because my working ear would sometimes flake out on me. 

Occasionally I would check on my ears to see if my hearing improved, but I would get sad every time. Probably on the 2nd going on 3rd week, things took a turn for the better! I was answering the phone one day and decided to try it with my left ear. Before I couldn't hear anything, but at the time I could hear faint voices which seemed pretty far away, but I didn't care. I was SO HAPPY. I just wanted to cry! Hearing was up to 15%. And then after a few days, it got to 25%. 

Today marks the last day of my medicines. The doctor let me take it for 1 month and I am happy to say that God is good. My hearing is back to normal - 100%!!!!!! 

We never really know why God lets us go through certain situations in life but it is meant to teach us something. If you are going through a similar situation or something totally different but you feel the same (that you just want to run away, or curl up in your bed and not exist) - DON'T

Just stay still. Pray. Talk to God. Find a support system. Go about life like any ordinary day but with a better outlook, a fresher perspective.  And never forget to be thankful. I may have been deaf but I would rather be deaf than blind, lame, crippled or a vegetable. It wasn't the worst thing to be if I were to be deaf forever. Whatever you have right now, it's not the worst thing that could happen. Think positive. God is the great healer and nothing happens in your life without Him knowing about it. Have FAITH AND BELIEVE. :)

*This post is dedicated to everyone who was there for me during that difficult time in my life. Thank you for your prayers and thank you for having faith. :)

Top - H&M
Skirt - Pink Manila
Shoes - Nike Roshe
Bag - Michael Kors Selma